At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
