K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
