I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
