I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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