i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
