I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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