Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
