I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
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Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
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Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
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