If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
