ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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