The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
