Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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