i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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