dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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