Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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