I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
