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Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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