Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
