You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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