I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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