Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
