Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
