R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
