I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
