as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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