you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
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