last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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