I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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