On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
