you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
