I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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