just tell him i said nine months
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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