his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
