and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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