What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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