I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
