forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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