I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
