I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
