I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
