I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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