so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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