I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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