Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
