Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
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Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
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guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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