he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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