I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
