i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Randomize
