Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
