summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
