Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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