Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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