I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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