Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
