Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
