I heard we made out
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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