i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
